Sunday, September 16, 2012

How I Sin

As christian women we all have our struggles. We each sin in our own way, and it wouldn't be fair to say that your sins are worse than mine. I bring this up because the sin that struggle with is one that a lot of people would consider unforgivable. I am blessed with a husband who forgave me anyway, despite the fact that he's not a christian.

I struggle with infidelity. I know it's wrong, and I know the pain it can bring to a spouse. I've been on the other side of it in past relationships.

It started pretty early in our relationship. My ex-boyfriend started coming around. He is very persuasive and he pressured me into it. Then it snowballed from there. The guilt piled on, and the feeling of being a failure, and I was on a downward spiral. I've had one night stands, and a couple affairs. None of the men were half the man my husband is.

I have tried to figure out why. It's not because they're better looking, or because sometimes I'm not completely satisfied in the bedroom. My husband is a great lover, and very handsome. So I've come to the conclusion that the reason isn't important. Whatever the reason I need to hand it over to God and allow his strength to keep me from failing again. It's been proven to me time and again that I myself am not strong enough to resist the urges I feel.

I do believe that God can accomplish anything, no matter how impossible it seems.

Every couple years I start to get that itch. I'll be good for a while, and then it will hit me. I'll start thinking about other men. Then I'll do something seemingly innocent like go into a chat room. I think "I can control myself and just talk to someone." "It's not really cheating," I'd say to myself. Well that's where I've been this past week, in chat rooms. And already I'm thinking of a plan to meet someone. I'm going to control myself. God is going to keep me strong. I can accomplish it all through prayer. Maybe, just maybe, I'll stop myself before it's too late.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Job

This Sunday at church our pastor is starting a series of sermons on the book of Job. In preparation I read the first 2 chapters this morning.

I've always felt bad for Job. I've never been able to understand why God let Satan do what he did. I haven't read the book in a long time, and honestly I wasn't looking forward to reading it again. But I think maybe I'm starting to get it.

Job was perfect, and perfect people don't need God. He had to be tested so that he would sin and it would strengthen his faith. We are tested in the same way, on a must smaller scale. 

I think a common misconception about God is that because he loves you he will protect you from all bad things. That just simply isn't the case. He's pretty clear that we will suffer and that we should be thankful for our suffering. The same way we are to sacrifice and be thankful for that opportunity. God's goal is not to make this life easy, but to make sure we will have the faith in him to get us to the next life. 

My Beloved

The one thing I want more than anything else in this world if for my husband to have the same peace that I found when I came to know the Lord. Even if he never prays with me or attends church I so badly want him to have a personal relationship with Him. And I truly believe that one day that will happen.

Part of my journey is learning how to be submissive to him. I believe that means that I am not here to preach to him. I can only support him on his spiritual journey, but I can't make him take one. I won't drag him to church against his will, and I seldom mention God in our conversations. My hope is that he will see how I have changed and want to know more.

There are certain things I don't do in front of him because it makes him uncomfortable. When he is home during my morning prayers I don't close my eyes and bow my head, I write in my prayer journal. I want to still be available to him during that time, and not have him feel as though he is in competition with God. I don't get out all my Sunday school papers and my folders on things I am studying in the bible because I don't want him to think that you need to do a lot of extra work to have a relationship with God. When he comes home from work I turn off my hymns and turn on the classic country that he likes.

My life and my habits are changing. But I'm trying to walk the fine line between becoming a more godly woman and being the kind of person my husband can relate to. I want him to be comfortable and I want to be approachable for him.

I pray for him every day. I pray that someday we can talk about God together, and that he can lead me on my spiritual journey.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Here we go...

Hey Blogosphere, this is Misty, nice to meet you! I've been here before, but this time I have a mission.

I am a christian wife and mother. I know what values I want to live by, but struggle with the execution. I truly am a sinner saved by grace. I so want to be like the virtuous woman depicted in Proverbs 31, but have a long way to go. I'm sure I'll be on my way there for the rest of my life. But here is my journey.

Some of the specific things I'm working on are:

  • Making God a priority in every aspect of my life
  • Submitting to my husband as a strong capable woman in 2012
  • Disciplining my children in a soft voice
  • Having a home that says "God lives here" as soon as you walk in the door
  • Being an encouragement to other women